Minding the Morbidly Obese

"Hey, Big'un"
"The large man over there"
"He's sort of a heavy-set guy"

And there are other expressions that have been used in my presence that have been - shall we say - less than charitable. People who have always been thin won't understand the plight. So, let's lay it all out on the proverbial table - saying it aloud, the fact remains: I am morbidly obese.

Underweight, Normal Weight, Overweight and Obese

A person's BMI (body mass index) is a measure of the relationship between one's height and weight. The number calculated let's you know not only what physiological grouping you fall in; but, how far off the mark you are. Several countries (and organizations) have their own "scale" and "categories" to categorize our human physiology.

Most people with a "Normal" weight range have a BMI of 18.5 to 25 - in ascending order of "trouble", the subsequent categories are: "Overweight", "Obese - Class I", "Obese - Class II" and "Obese - Class III". Within the latter, there is a delineation of "Morbidly Obese" and "Super Obese".

Based on the one that is (or seems to be) recognized by most in the United States, back in July 2013 I was considered "Class III - Super Obese". This month (September 2013) I am considered "Class III - Morbidly Obese"... an improvement in my health, believe it or not.

Background

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." ~ 1Cr.13.11.esv

Based off the Apostle Paul's words, the axiom from the days of my youth might resemble...

"When I was a soldier, I worked like a soldier, I thought like a soldier, I ate like a soldier. When I became a civilian, I gave up eating like a civilian and kept eating like a soldier." ~ 1st Book of Opinions, Chapter Me, Verses No One

So, I was a skinny kid before I got into the Army, right? Pfft, bwa-ha-ha-haa! (Snort) Hilarious! No, I was (at best) merely "overweight".

In the Army, I stayed 15-20 pounds over my "table weight" and was subjected to 12 years of scrutiny by those in authority above me in feigned compassion why my weight wasn't within standards - despite the fact that I was performing 70-80% (above the 60% standard) in physical fitness.

But, after getting out of the Army, my weight "balooned" - it was chiefly my behaviors, and a minor portion was an injury. So, no excuses - I did this to myself.

Complications

Doctors can be the bane of our existance, can't they? Several I've had, in the past, qualified with no doubt. Although not Nutritionists or Registered Dieticians, most doctors have common sense enough to recognize overweight and obese patients. The linch-pin is treating said patients.

Most doctors treat overweight and obese patients much in the same way a typical school nurse would treat a child who is sneezing (not preventatively, but symptomatically)... hands a tissue, does not check for fever - for example.

I know what it's like to lead a complicated life - or should I say a "complication-filled" life. Not only am I obese (I know, big shocker - pun intended), I am Type II Diabetic, have Sleep Apnea, Edema and a Protruded Disk at L5/S1. Yeah, I wouldn't place any bets on me winning any type of contest where "speed and agility" are required. So...

One doctor will say, "You need to lose some weight." To which I'm often tempted to rebuff, "And you'll probably expect some payment after this office visit?"

Another doctor says, "Eat more green vegetables, breads and fruit." And the hyperactive mind is prepping a response, "Would you tell Tyranasaurus Rex to eat a vegetarian?"

An older doctor says, "Cut back on your sugar, drink plenty of water." And I do not say, "Darn, there goes my Lemonade Diet."

Better Approaches

So, after the end-of-July (2013) heart-to-heart with my doctor (who has the bedside manner of a bed pan), I resolve to be weak. Yes, weak. I cannot do this on my own, in my own strength, in my right mind, in a loving, don't-touch-my-chicken-that's-mine-and-you-can't-have-it kind of way. No sir.

I will be obedient to what I know I should be doing and leave the own-ness (the results) up to God. I ain't gonna get all mentally tied-up around the axle (telephone pole, take your pick) about 'how much I've lost this week', or 'how many inches did I drop'. No sir.

So, I got some Diabetes Education (half day, classroom setting) at hospital, spoke one-on-one with a Nutritionist, and bought a round 9" plate container for lunches. Using what I now knew (and purchased), I trekked out into the "Food Is Fuel" landscape with a new understanding of what my body was doing with the types of food I should be eating and when/how I should be eating it. Yes sir.

Results

Am I where I need to be? Nope, not even close; but, it's barely been 60 days.

The key is to keep plodding along, in obedience, and not get tied up in the ebb-and-flow that is either "pounds" or "inches". I stave off any urges to weigh myself (as some people do) daily and only do so once a week, when I use a seamstress tape to take an abdominal, chest and neck (girth) measure. I perform the latter just in case enough of my physiology changes in the course of one week where the numbers on the scale don't budge (i.e. losing fat, replacing with muscle netting a "zero" weight loss - and seeing a drop of 1.5 inches).

As in a Christian's walk (and testimony) fixating on how far we've come, versus how much farther one has to go will build our resolve in obedience and our reliance on His grace. MMLIA.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Apologies, True Believers - my protracted respite lapsed a bit beyond the intent of reconciling my time to my energies... in other words, "I'm ba-ack!"


Fe-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman
Be he live, or be he dead
I'll crush his bones to make my bread

Giants - shudders - the one thing that, as a child, freaked me out to no end. Sorta makes you hope the whole thing about the Nephilim (Gen.6.4; Num.13.33.esv) was blown a little outta proportion, eh?

So, fear's down the hall, moving towards the door - coming for you.

Checking under your bed, leaving the closet light on, putting away anything that reminds you of Pennywise the Clown deep into a drawer, burrowing beneath the pillows and blankets and any other stuffed animal so the Clown would eat them first... getting your brother to either sing a song or whistle so that it would preserve your own sense of safety (that way "IT" would eat him first).

Nevertheless, fear creeps in.

As children, our imaginations are laced with it (fear) - there's SO much we do not (yet, or ever?) understand. Our renderings of our fears become realized on television, in school and (sometimes) in our own homes. But, regardless of the bastions we build... fear is still there.

Then fear grows up.

As an adult - older, not necessarily wiser - our irrational childlike fears are explained away and more intense (or sublime) ones become entrenched in our day-to-day mantras. Some are as unfounded as the ones from our youth (or "utes" for "yoose guys" - ya' don' know? fahgedaboudit!). Others, albeit founded, are often blown out of proportion to our reality.

Fear wears a mask.

Fear spawns so many other emotions; and, as adults (snicker, snort), we let our fears dictate the type of person we are or are to be. It's the whole "cause-and-effect" model. Let me explain...

1) Fear that a person won't be loved could result in uncontrollable rage (anger), clingy-ness (jealousy), or low self-esteem (self-loathing).

2) Fear that a person might lose his/her job may result in the individual preferring isolation to (withdrawing from) the company of others, depression (sadness), or even lead them to manifest a false image of peace/hope (deceit or fooling one's self).

3) Fear of injury or illness would - in most cases - makes the following (more) evident: worry (anxiety), a feeling of weakness to help (helplessness), and a constant feeling of isolation (loneliness).

We don't have to be enslaved to fear (Rom.8.15.esv), to continue down that slippery slope like we have no choice - we do (sorry Calvinists). Fear does not come from God (2.Tim.1.7.esv) - fear is the absence of faith. Faith overcomes fear (Heb.11.1.esv), faith frees us to please God (Heb.11.6.esv). Remember it this way...

Folks found freed, finally find fear falls face-first for faith, for faith the Father fixed on followers of Christ forces fear to flee. MMLIA

How Small is Your Norm?

This - true believers - will be a cognitive burst of rapidly fired ideas and observations based on real-world scenarios...

Cases Sans Points

I have a brother who is a trained and skilled electrician - who has not had much success, because of the economy, in finding work in that field. The handicap is that he is such a gentle man, and wanting to accommodate his stay-at-home wife (and thusly, his two in-home children), that he stays in Louisville, KY, and is currently a security guard, as a "new norm".

We have a niece (also) who is a nurse - trying to get enough hours at her job in Michigan after moving up there a few years back to be closer to her dad - her "new norm". By all accounts I hear, she has a solid work ethic and a desire to help others... but the jobs are (in fact) not there, but elsewhere... like in South Carolina, where we have a "nursing shortage".

Our eldest daughter is a youth ministry (emphasis: on camps) graduate student, studying an emphasis in "leadership" for these next two years in Columbia, SC. Throughout her previous four years, she has had multiple internships, worked at churches and programs that she's either partnered with or ran. Regardless of our cumulative desire to see her stay in the local area, we know the LORD will lead her to where the job is. This will be her "new norm".

Basic Instincts

Economists, teachers and recruiters will be all-too-quick to point out that those with certain skill sets should "go to where the jobs are". That works fine in a vacuum - or if you've got more greenbacks than Rockefeller - but, what about the "real world"? How unhappy does one have to be before a move is made? How broke does a family have to go before pride succumbs to necessity? How torn do we have to get over family and finances before traipsing out from the comfort of our hearth and home? How scared are we at the unpalatable prospect of a "new norm"?

My norm... being a veteran - who never states that he's "former military", 'cause the military never leaves you, it has become part of your identity, you are part of the 1% of the nation's population (past and present) who've had the distinct privilege (yes, privilege) of donning the uniform and placing our lives on hold for people of this nation who may not support the set of values, or ideology, you've enlisted for. But, I digress...

Anyway, being a veteran, I'd gotten quite accustomed to packing up and relocating as my indebted "Uncle" deemed my particular skill sets and talents were needed. I understood - more aptly, we (my family and I) understood that there was a purpose to the reassignments. I hit the proverbial ground running, as a result, most often. It was the "norm", it was almost instinctual.

Do What You Gotta Do

I have been unemployed (three times) since leaving the service in 1998 - and with family to boot! Wouldn't wish it upon anyone; but, I see the benefit in it - almost a Depression-era mentality was allowed to grow in those periods of time. We found out what was important toot-sweet.

In the Bible, it states that God's children will have their "needs" met - that (also) His seed shall not go wanting for bread (to eat) - paraphrased, of course. Our "needs" are pretty basic - food, clothing and shelter. However, we, collectively as a society, have gone to great pains to clutter up our lives with the objects, things and (dare I say) idols that become passable (palatable?) as "needs".

It's scary when it looks like you're "starting over" - especially in mid-life - but, there are friends, there are family, and (sometimes) complete strangers right there, ready to help you make that happen... to help you establish a new "norm".

Final Comments

I would weep over the folly of some - for whatever seemingly innocuous reason - who'd chose to stay in a deteriorating situation for the sake of solidifying their new "norm". MMLIA

What Are We - Really?

Recently, some acquaintances of mine have reminded me - more so with "deed" than "words" that I am not "family". Now, I know I must be gracious, loving and calm... so, let me bring this concept of "family" full circle...

Family

A family - in it's purest since - is a gaggle of individuals associated either by blood or marriage. Note - I did not mention that all parties had to "like" each other, much less "love" each other.

But, consider that the term "family" often conjures up differing images (and viewpoints, considering the orphans among us) of the organism that speaks to who we are as it relates to our own households. Given this line of thought, consider the basic structure of the family, as outlined in Scripture:

     "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." ~ Exodus 20:12 ESV

     "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." ~ Psalm 128:3 ESV

     "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." ~ Colossians 3:19 ESV

Nuclear families, single-parent families, later-in-life families, multi-generational families, etc. etc. Okay, so there are fathers, mothers, wives, children and husbands... it seems one's family is more than a simple "man-and-wife" iconic image nowadays.

But, did you know that you CAN be members of another family  without being related by blood or marriage? It's true, and it's AWESOME!.

Now, I know... there will be times when you get the feeling that there are some family dynasties you just can't get your foot in the threshold of - it happens.

I mean, most of us have folks we're very close to - outside our own"'blood-and-marriage" only families - and yet, this may intimidate some within these larger family dynasties who either resent the fact that you're so "close" or they run interference against your newly realized "adoption" (or 'grafting in') of us into their "sacred territory"... designed to keep us at "arms length", whatever the motivation.

However sad (real) that may be, if they claim the name of Christ, their position of preserving the genetic integrity of their family unit rests upon "sinking sand"...that is, in light of Scripture:

     "But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God..." ~ John 1:12 ESV

     "If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." ~ 1 Corinthians 12:26 ESV

     "So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." ~ Galatians 6:10 ESV


One family of God - wow! Commonality run amok - tough, isn't it? And we're encouraged to edify others in the same household? Mercy!

Yet, how sad is it to see the modern 21st century American church pick-and-choose not only who enjoins their respective corporate fellowships, but also pick-and-choose the saints that they should be calling "brother" and "sister".

Seems I can't avoid one without the other, subsequently...


Marriage

Till death do us part. It's sorta like gravity - either you act as if it's there (straight-leg Infantry) or not (Airborne Infantry). I've always teased my wifey with one of two (recurring) jokes...

     1) Marriage is forever... I got two acres, a shovel and a bag of lye... they'll never find the body; or,
 
     2) Yes sir (or ma'am), we've been married for twenty-five years. (Then I wait for the startled response, to which I ask...) Why does that surprise you? Do you think I could've gotten out early with "good behavior"?

But, all kidding (and, yes, for sooth, I was in fact "kidding") regardless of it's longevity (or lack thereof), what IS marriage?

There have been scholars scoring writings throughout time on the matter - historical and within classical works - but, let's simply look at one source... the Holy Bible:

     "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." ~ Genesis 2:24 ESV

     "To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband..." ~ 1 Corinthians 7:10 ESV

     "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God." ~ 1 Corinthians 11:3 ESV


Seems to me that it's pretty plain, just based off this ONE source... a marriage is the covenant of one MAN, one WOMAN, sanctioned by GOD. (Sigh) And yet the clamor continues these last 50 years on other endorsed relationships (i.e. civil unions, partnerships, LLC's, hero-and-sidekick arrangements, political pandering, et al), in an attempt to redefine marriage... more on that in another blog, True Readers.


Being (or Acting) Black or White

When did it start, in the 1990's? Was it's advent Vanilla Ice, Enemem and other "would-be" white musicians attempting to hijack another culture, attempting to emulate black entertainers? Is there something appealing that the rest of us didn't see?

Or, when did the "fading" affect of Anglo-Saxon culture create opportunities for black men (and women) to start dressing and speaking like Tom Brokaw while vilifying (or simply ignoring) black culture? Do we want to live in a land of no accents where everyone acts, talks and thinks the same?

I think society has created a "Racial Identity Disorder" for itself - yes, that's got to be it. Perhaps it stems from wanting what we want most - even if it's (truly) unattainable?

Whether you affirm this observation or not... 1) the observation HAS been made; and, 2) the proof is there - read:

     Have you seen anyone refuse to interact with members of their own race? 
     Have you ever seen anyone willingly choose to engage in activities with people solely NOT from their own race? 
     How about hearing anyone voicing dissatisfaction with typical trappings of their own race (e.g. dress, speech, cultural behaviors)? 
     Okay, know anyone who's changed their name to pay respects to (or embrace) another race other than their own? 
     Have you ever known of anyone so put off with their own race that they move to another area to be surrounded by those NOT of their own race?

I rest my case.


I guess I'm saying all of that to merely say this... either DO or DON'T do something, either BE or REFUSE TO BE something... but get your double-minded self off the proverbial fence and STAND for something - albeit the single life or marital bliss, your culture or another culture, or even treat all people the same if there's a common thread. No doubt it'd be convenient to be able to tell whose camp each person is in so as to know how to minister to those based (accurately) on who they tell us they are, and be able to take them at face value. MMLIA.

Add Friend or Unfriend?

Modern 21st century society has successfully redefined the term "friend".

Congratulations, America... it's another hollow-shell of a word that is in its proverbial death knell, as it figuratively crawls down the Orwellian primrose path of Big Brother-speak.

At no other point in history has humanity been so hyper-connected; and, inversely, at no other point (in light of the planet's saturation level of humans) has it ever felt so isolated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah - I know, don't pop a neuron considering the fact I used the word "felt". To assuage your fears, I offer this in my defense... I used it in context of a generalization to describe the rapid deterioration of our society... was not inferring anything else.


Friend or Acquaintance?

Everyone will need help at some point during their lives. So, this is me, helping you, understand what I mean when I type "friend"...

Webster's defines the word "friend" as "one attached to another by affection or esteem". Oh, and let's not forget the word "acquaintance" - which is defined as "a person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend."

In light of this (above), how much of a friend do we consider those whose image(s) just popped into our heads to be? If truth be known, in reality, are many of these individuals merely "acquaintances"?


The Value

Either by knowledge, affection or esteem, there are individuals (often daily) with whom we have communicating with us. If any of these individuals consider themselves to be friendly... how "good" of a "friend" do we consider each individual to be?

Would they make us better for having them in our lives? "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." ~ Proverbs 27:17 ESV

Would they pick us up when we fall? "For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" ~ Ecclesiastes 4:20 ESV

Would they love us, always? "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." ~ Proverbs 17:17 ESV

Would they be there when all others leave? "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." ~ Proverbs 18:24 ESV

Would they know how to empathize? "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." ~ Romans 12:15 ESV

Would they DIE for us? "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." ~ John 15:13 ESV


Freeze, Flight or Phobia?

So, what has others so petrified to breach our "personal space" bubbles that we don't let anyone in? Why don't others make friends with us - when there is so much to be gained - and choose (instead) to run head-long the opposite direction? Why are they so glossophobic (fear of speaking in general) or anthropophobic (fear of meeting people)?


Final Thoughts

Take a look at the time we burn during the week - examining my schedule, for starters. Hours spent during a 168 week...

Sleeping: 52.5 (31%)
Working: 37.5 (22%)
Traveling: 9.0 (5%)
Eating: 7.0 (4%)
Reading & Discussing Scripture; Counseling; Worship; Prayer: 5.75 (3.5%)
Worship, Study with the Gathering: 4.5 (3%)
Other/Available Time: 51.75 (31.5%)

I am embarrassed - given this huge amount of time leftover. I should NOT be looking for true friends... I should BE that which I am looking for... striving to invest myself (more) in the lives of others... especially in the Gathering... to those who may be looking at me as if I was merely an "acquaintance". MMLIA

I'm Just Sayin'

William Shakespeare once penned, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances..." 

To with, Rick L. Larstan, PhD, rebuffed, "...and some of these players should take the first stage leaving town."

Drama (sigh) - it's the proverbial traffic accident looming aside the roadway, begging you to take a gander, and (in some cases) your foot off the brake. 

Drama - that idiomatic expression which lends itself to pop culture references such as "drama queen", "save the drama for your momma" and (my favorite misnomer) "unscripted reality television".

 

Ever notice... How everyone else's luggage is just "drama" and when it happens to you or I it's a full-blown "crisis" - even though it could be the exact... same... thing? I'm just sayin'.

The loudest mourner at funerals (typically) isn't a family member (e.g. one defined as being related via blood and/or marriage) - it's usually the person who's spent the least amount of time with the deceased? I'm just sayin'.

At any gathering, the one telling the joke thinks it's the funniest thing YOU have ever heard - and subsequently laughs at their own joke - I figure that if it was THAT funny, they wouldn't have been able to tell it - for laughing so hard - in the first place? I'm just sayin'. 

That as you happen upon someone you haven't seen in ages - one whom you had thought you had inadvertently committed some unspeakable (heinous) act towards - that our typical response to them is "So, how are you doing?" instead of "Where have you been?!" - which is REALLY what we want to say? I'm just sayin'.

When folks bad-mouth a business it's usually done so with such vim and vile that you would've thought they nailed 'em to a cross during their 6.5 minute wait for coffee - but, like so many others will let a barrista go above-and-beyond the "call of duty", and think that the higher level of courtesy is something they were innately entitled to? I'm just sayin'. 

How quickly folks will appear to empathize with you and then (usually) say "Oh, I'll pray for you", when precious few actually do so then-and-there? I'm just sayin'.

That there is an inverse relationship between the high amount of heat needed to cook your food and the low pain threshold you possess at the instant you grab the food item without an oven mit? I'm just sayin'.

To close, in closing, and (in other words) ending this train of thought - you might liken this paragraph to the proverbial caboose, then - whether we are subjected to, choose to participate in, or are (actively) trying to ignore DRAMA... there will always be DRAMA to deal with, while we strut upon this stage. I'm just sayin'. MMLIA.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Ruh-roe, Raggy! Sleuthing like Scooby-Doo we traipse down the proverbial lane for a snapshot (if you will) of a typical trap surrounding the burnt-out Christian or church attendee... finding the perfect church (at least, down "here").

Did you know - categorically speaking - there are only four types of churches? Yep, yep, yep! Only four - and it's up to those of us who purport to be of and in the Body of Christ - whether, or not, that is proven to be true by the litmus of scripture - to ferret all that out.

The game's afoot, Watson! Let us examine the suspect church types... there are churches, where in we see:

 
Those Without GOD's Love or Righteousness
Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Laodicea (Rev.3.15)
In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: any church over-emphasizing any spiritual gift (or singular member of the Trinity) to the exclusion of any other gift (or God-head member).
Typical pastor would resemble: preacher/astronaut on Space Cowboys, priest in the book Moby Dick


Those With GOD's Love But Lacked His Righteousness
Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Thyatira (Rev.2.20)
In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: progressive Catholic churches - as well as most churches choosing to describe itself as "non-evangelical"
Typical pastor would resemble: Joel Olsteen, Rodney King


Those Without GOD's Love But Used His Righteousness
Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Ephesus (Rev.2.4-5)
In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS
Typical pastor would resemble: scary pastor off Poltergeist


Those With GOD's Love and Righteousness
Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Philadelphia (Rev.3.8)
In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: very, very few churches - typically, small start-up and home churches
Typical pastor would resemble: (sorry, not gonna play favorites - let's keep 'em humble)


Now, as succinct as this particular post may be - I am not suggesting that the typical 21st Century American Church-goer dump their individual responsibility and capacity for thought and go run willy-nilly down the primrose path towards any particular church-type or pastor (elder)... but consider the following in light of your own thirst and hunger...

"Do you know who taught the eagles to find their prey? Well, that same God teaches His hungry children to find their Father in His Word." ~ William Tyndale

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth." ~ 2Tim.2.15.esv

MMLIA

Adding Insult to Injury

At work, I have this uncanny knack (gift, really) of delivering what I promise. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I know, must be a character flaw or something. Chuckling and snorting aside, the REAL problem is more clearly divined when the expectation I create in the minds of others is not fleshed out in the hands-and-feet of others.

Seems like - for the sake of expediency - that professionalism is offered upon the altar of business as a shortcut-sacrifice. Why can't people be professional? Or, better yet, why can't people keep their word. Horton (the Elephant) had it right...

I mean, why can't people - I don't know - possibly for spits and giggles - tell the truth? Wouldn't that be refreshing? Imagine... being told over the phone that the surveys you needed loaded to the Internet website A.S.A.P. were going to be loaded next week instead, and (adding insult to injury) being told this after she drops a query in your lap which she needs A.S.A.P.? Talk about cognitive dissonance!

Truth is so overrated... If I could wave the proverbial "magic wand" and make certain phrases, certain conventions disappear, these would be the ones:

The Seven Depressing Sins at the Workplace

1) "I'll have it for you first thing in the morning." ~ First off... my morning starts at 5:15 a.m., when I proactively (and with great emotional strain) ignore my two alarms. Secondly, I report to the office sometime between 7:10 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. - one of the faithful (foolish?) few found floundering for fixes to final forgotten forms from the day 'fore. And, lastly, unless you are my employee (and, most of those promising me this aren't), why should you acquiesce to my request?

2) "We only need a minute of your time." ~ If klaxons and red light 1960's plastic panels aren't flashing as your office buckles under the throes of photon torpedoes... uh, belay that metaphor, hard to port, full impulse... I know it's "understood" that nothing is truly going to take merely 60 seconds of my overrated time; but, just once, I'd like to pull out the minute (hour) glass from a Boggle game, flip the empty-end down and shout "GO!"

3) "Let me know if there's anything else you need." ~ This ranks up there with the waitress at everyone's favorite dive taking a dive into oblivion when you need her the most (i.e. someone technicolor-yawns on the table top, inverts their full glass of water on a paper coaster after leaving the tip in it, etc.). The best way to circumvent getting left in the void of your panic is to ask them then-and-there while you're thinking about it... before they escape.

4) "I'll pray for you." ~ Now, you might be saying, "Ralph, that there's for church." My dear, deceived, naive one (bwa-ha, ha, ha)... you are in the South, friend. And, in the South, we don't need four stained-glass walls or Facebook to promise the moon-and-the-stars - we can do this at work, too! See my other post "Southern Convention"

5) "Could you do me just one favor?" ~ Being a literal-minded middle-aged man, I "see" words. My first (albeit, irresistible) reaction would be to say, "Yeah, I COULD." so as to elicit the proper word (e.g. Would); but, I'd probably be more predisposed to counter with "Only one? Is this going to be the LAST one?" Instead, I pull my pulse down past my pupils and politely present a "I'll see what I can do - what is it?" And, no, my friends, it never ends. It's a hole with no bottom.

6) "I didn't receive it." ~ I use to know this one gal at work who'd always volunteer this patent answer, as if it was "fire insurance" she bought on her way to Hell - never could figure her out. Invariably, it would always "miraculously" wind up in her INBOX. How did I get her to "come 'round", you ask? Why, by simply asking her the same question (again) via e-mail... and copying her boss.

7) "Listen, you need to..." ~ Direction, purpose and the global view are all things I don't mind being "told" to me. How to balance my budget, make other functional areas (e.g. IT, procurement, HR, et al) do their jobs (or do their tasks for them)... entirely another matter altogether. If you're a RESOURCE, then BE all that you can be... just don't be my SUPERVISOR in the process... already got one... and you can't have him! Just don't presume to be in my chain-of-command (read: food chain) when it suits your preferences because you're too gun-shy about rectifying a bad communication issue - that didn't involve me to begin with - in the other functional area. Work it out, Ice, work it out.

Guess I shared all that to say this... If wishing and hoping filled up my hands, I wouldn't be able to get my work done. So, LORD help those who think they're helping me realize they need help, too. MMLIA

No, You Cannot Drive My Car

I shall attempt to restrain myself - lyrically speaking - from citing some dated (e.g. 1980's) references to "driving" throughout this particular day's tirade.

Given the swath of construction (or may I say, DESTRUCTION) along a nearby work zone... and the chaos which ensues periodically, compliments of the uneducated masses brandishing pieces of state-issued plastic, like miniature WANTED posters for which the rest of us would do well to heed - zip precariously along an otherwise placid (read: tedious) commute to-and-from a blessing of a job in (what I UN-affectionately refer to as) 'the biggest small town in America'... or, at least, the largest low-density piece of sprawl south of the Mason-Dixon line. Yes, that capitol of all-things-podunk... known for its infamously lukewarm (albeit, surreal) moniker: Columbia, South Carolina.

All that (whew) to say this...

There are several ways to cluster - and even FEWER ways to understand them - the types of motorists. Note to the wise: I did not refer to 'licensed drivers' because it would blaspheme the SC Department of Motor Vehicles, even though to pass a driver's skills test in this state could be done by anything breathing possessing an I.Q. of Forest Gump.

More to the point...the three types of motorists: the cynic, the sarcastic and the passive-aggressive.

Now, depending on a multitude of factors, i.e. our mood, volume of traffic, times of the day, amounts of testosterone (or estrogen - both in sufficient quantities can have a brain-numbing effect), etc... we ALL fall (fail?) into one or more of these proverbial 'car camps', at any given moment motoring.

The question begs... which are YOU?

To answer this earth-shattering question, scores of scientists did (not) work round-the-clock, probing the data with an unending slew of questions, and we have (not) enlisted the aide of a large moose and his best pal, a flying squirrel. Instead, as we tend to do, we just resisted the urge to be flatulent until some other sound was perceived as being halfway intelligent, rolled the dice on the probability that you'd buy it, rented some 1:00 a.m. second-rate television channel air time and sold it for $19.95 to the unsuspecting masses... ooo, wait, wrong blog (my bad).

So, there are CYNICS... those who think people are only motivated by selfishness and do not trust in sincerity, the integrity or compassion of others.

And, there are the SARCASTIC... those who say-one-thing-mean-another to poke fun of or express their utter distaste in something

But, most importantly, you have the PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE... those who act out aggression in a way that obstructs or ignores any repercussions

Hypotheticals, to teach us to deal with the following:

1) Blind Spot Ninjas - ever been crept up upon by someone, at a high rate of speed, only to have them find that 'sweet spot' where they hover, like a humming-turd? Aggravating and scary, all at the same time, right? Here's how our panel cures their ills... 

the Cynic: "You're just wanting me to feed your narcicism and stare at you, huh?"

the Sarcastic: "Far be it for me to ever want to change lanes without first seeking your permission."
the Passive-Aggressive: (starts drifting into the Ninja's lane until horn blows)

2) Chronic Tailgaters - the three things you don't want to see when you look in your rear view mirror: a cop with blue lights churning, projectile vomit from a kid in the backseat, and projectile vomit when you thought the car was an easy mark... just kidding, I'll drop off 'Junior' at Junkie Moe's and leave a note stapled to his forehead (jk, really). By the way, and for the record I love kids and have a spotless record (with the DMV and Law Enforcement) - this is off-beat, I know. So, what do our judges say? 

the Cynic: "Oh, I took your spot, how selfish of me."
the Sarcastic: "Oh, I would be more than happy to get out of your way."
the Passive-Aggressive: (takes foot off gas, slows down to 35 in a 60, waves cheerfully as Tailgater whizzes by)

3) Slalom Olympians - I don't know if it stemmed from too much "Top Gun", "Cars" or "Fast and Furious"... but Americans are in a RUSH. Well, we have a need for speed - it's called a 'death wish'. Any-who, it's bad enough people pass me - as I go the speed limit - like I was standing still... to add injury to proverbial insult, they have to act like the other motorists are orange cones set up along the concrete (asphalt) for their amusement. Let's hear our experts chime in... 

the Cynic: "What was I thinking... you wanted a stationary object to course around - I'm SO selfish."
the Sarcastic: "Hope it's a boy!" (veiled reference to racing to the Delivery Room of a local hospital)
the Passive-Aggressive: (cuts on opposite turn signal, and drifts in other direction while Olympian approaches)

4) High-Beam Rangers - I use to think this strain of the inbred only reared its vile form during the twilight and dark. No, ever since those Canadians implemented "day time running lamps" and the American populous thought THAT would be a great idea... you can find yourself blind at high-noon on a cloud-riddled day thanks to forgetful motorists amongst us. After Dear Abby rejected our letter, let's see what Miss Manners has to say... 

the Cynic: "I have obviously offended you and I beg the Prima Donna's indulgence."
the Sarcastic: "Thanks - never had the time to go to a tanning bed and do it right."
the Passive-Aggressive: (cuts off all lights, lays on horn and comes to a screeching halt... then cuts on all lights again)

5) Highway Drifters - Highway, not High Plains - although with the total disregard for public (and apparently their own) safety, this sub-culture which seeks its thrills with seeing how many pairs of underwear they can soil, or their simply trying to multi-task BEFORE going to work. Although I suspect the majority of these off-lane offenders do so unintentionally... its the one's who daringly drift during daybreak, en route to who-knows-where which are the most alarming. Figure if THEY don't have anywhere to go, they're more apt to swap paint with you and I. Survey says... 

the Cynic: "What can I do to please you, drive with two wheels up on the guard rail - would that give you enough space?"
the Sarcastic: "No, I wouldn't call what you're doing 'passive-aggressive'..."
the Passive-Aggressive: (opens car door closest to Drifter, cuts on high-beam lights and starts shaving)

So, which am I? Well, I suppose (most of the time) you tend to find me firmly ensconced somewhere between the sarcastic and the passive-aggressive... I'll come up with something "brilliant" to say and will only act on it if the conditions are "perfect" - cause I'm too pretty to go to jail, just ask my wife.

So, yes, I am the perfect 'motorist' - I levitated into the DMV, smiled and angelically drifted out of there with my license, some (ahem, cough-cough) years ago. Always vigilant, prepared to share my angst of other motorists WITH other motorists... until I realize that my pastor-elder is rapidly coming up from behind me. MMLIA

Are You HOT Enough?

Welcome to the "Theater of the Mind" - a progressive performance pitting a private protagonist perilously in the pagan populi to pursue particularly put-off people previously (and providentially) positioned pending personal - yet poignant - predicaments wherein pleasantries and/or the perusal of paraphernalia perhaps may be purposefully parlayed (a tip of the proverbial hat to my dear friend, V). All that to say this - given any (seemingly) random encounter decorating our otherwise dull, dreary and (okay, okay... no more alliteration)  otherwise ordinary day, are we making ourselves HOT enough for other people?

Don't worry, true believers, this is NOT going to be a narcissistic rant... after all, it's not like this blog is all about the things that run through my... oh, wait a minute, it IS (fancy that).

For those wanting to read ahead, you might not want to... or you'll miss the GOOD stuff.

When we all get up - at least those of us amongst the living - in the morning, we have routines that prepare us for the day: a pattern of behavior we engage in based on what we EXPECT to encounter within the context of our day... whether we're HOT or not.

Perhaps I should paint a (camouflaged) picture...

When I was in the Army, I use to joke with the other "Joes" about having to work with a U.S. Army Chaplain. Many instances, the job - not necessarily the Chaplain, himself - became the butt of the joke. To pick one rather clever exchange from the myriad of others is hard, but the following one came to mind about two minutes into this blog.

I forget the circumstances which precipitated me deploying "solo" for field training exercises at Fort Bragg without the assigned Chaplain - but that's not the point, although it's helpful to understand the context.

When I deployed in this capacity, I carried Bibles, tracts, communion kit, a series of reference regulations, a binder and wore a pastoral stole. All of that was in addition to the forty pound rucksack, Kevlar helmet, magazines (ammo), water, first aid kit, knives and an M-16A2 rifle. Yeah, I was a sight to behold in my younger days - and despite all my youth-filled vigor, I wasn't as HOT as I would've liked to have been. 

I was assigned to a field artillery battalion out doing live-fire exercises and getting from battery-to-battery took a bit of driving - both on-and-off the firebreaks - and "humping" (military vernacular for throwing one's ruck, pack, gear on one's back and trekking out in to the wilds with, or without, map-and-compass - usually to end one's time in this method of travel in a humped-over posture, thus the origin of the term).

Coming upon one of the gun positions (towed 155 mm, to be exact), I hear the fire team attempting to clean up their language. To which I responded, "If I'm the only evidence of God in your lives, you've got larger issues than my office can deal with." I knew exactly why the were trying to straighten up and fly right... appearances.

Visually unphased by what I had to say, one of the sergeants asked me, "Hey, in order to work with the Chaplain, do you have to be 'religious' to get that job?" Not wanting to miss a chance to 'one-up' him, I said, "Yes. I am a very religious man - every morning after I get out of bed, I pee without fail."

FYI: religion only infers "habit" or "routine", not moral excellence

Now, although I had a lot to say back then (what do you mean "you STILL do, dear?"), I was not HOT... Honest, Open and Transparent.

So, why not be HOT? In a word? Comfort.

Most people would rather you and I see only what they wish us to see. Sometimes that encompasses wearing a figurative "mask" outside the home... other times, it's folks we know, being a bit more cunning (and, I am being "kind" by phrasing it this way).

"Oh, but that's not me!" Really? Consider these...

Imagine (again) living in a large family where you have to walk on proverbial egg shells around hyper-sensitive people? No peace there I think. Or, how about (from my own background) living with someone so full of rage and bitterness that you wonder when the would-be tea kettle will erupt? Imagine having to put on airs in front of your boss, irrespective of however they manage (well or poorly). Or, feeling compelled to wear a plastic smile walking into worship, mortified if anyone really knew what you were thinking.

Have you ever ran into someone at the ball game who you tell you're "doing good" when you're really entertaining thoughts you'd be ashamed to see detailed on the jumbo-tron? Ever hurt so much inside, in the presence of those who could help, but because of pride, chose to chew the inside of your mouth while your acid wore a new hole in your stomach lining? How about this - ever (perish the thought) pretend you liked someone you go to school with?

Two-faced, hypocritical, robots that we all are - what to do, what to do?

Now, it's taken me about a third of my life to get to the point where the grace of God has me HOT... and being HOT, like this, is so insanely freeing, really... warts and all. And I don't have it down pat - just ask my wife, my boss, my pastor. I have NOT arrived at being HOT... just a bit freer than most, but not where God would have me to be with it. MMLIA

Never Work with Animals or Children

There was a man - who predates a lot of you, dear readers - back in the earlier part of the 20th century, who spoke his mind and didn't mind speaking. Enter... W.C. Fields.  

Although his panache for making light of... well, EVERYTHING... kept him in demand for a couple of decades, this wisdom (no, I didn't stutter) of what he had to say just emboldened some to use him as an object lesson... sorta like what I'm hoping no one reading here (now) is thinking.

While certainly not altruistic, W.C. Fields selflessly got me considering both animals and children - generally speaking, what he (personally) had against both; but, specifically, what have I learned from both... that being the "other" working title for this post:

Raising my children has taught me how to put down my dogs.

Now, before anyone goes to speed-dialing the ASPCA, PETA and these other namby-pamby collaborative nut-houses, consider the following:

1) Children are worth more (in my eyes) than Animals
2) Animals are property, not Children (but the cheap labor for their first 18 years was GREAT)
3) Children have redeemable souls, Animals do not. (And that's as close to an eternal argument that I'm going to get with anyone who doesn't know the Bible.)

I've heard more clever ones - from others, like... "My children? MY problem. My animals? MY problem. Your children or animals? I have two acres, a shovel and a bag of lye..." Okay, that was a little "dark".

Any-who... so, what have I learned? Let me share the gospel...

1) My Children grew up and sometimes acted like they're four. Dogs never grow up and continue to act like a four-year-old Child.

2) My Children were made to share. Dogs will share to humor the authority, as long as that authority is watching.

3) With my Children - "no" meant "no". With Dogs, "no" means (either) "not now" or "go find 'Momma' and get a 'yes' from her".

4) With Children, at times, you're working around them having the "attention span of a firefly". With Dogs, constantly, there is no attention span (unless food is present).

5) My Children waited patiently for the things most important to them. Dogs can impatiently interrupt the things most important to you (e.g. sleep, meal, personal hygiene).

6) My Children - as well-behaved as they were - were often "seen" but not entirely "heard". Dogs - at any time - will be "heard" before they're "seen"... especially at 5:10 a.m., Monday through Friday.

My take-away? Children can change - so, there's always hope (even for adult children); but, Dogs... not so much so - creatures of habit and all. Life can change Children, but not Dogs; and, (physical) death, changes us all.

So, as I finish writing, I tip my proverbial hat at the late Mr. Fields, who (prior to his death) said this rather poignant thing: "When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty." MMLIA

Do You Want to Feel Old?

Remember when you were wanting to be older? Now that "older" is here, it's lost some of the charm, eh? When it comes to aging, everything is relative - but relatives aren't everything.

Oh, but no.

Sometimes it's your friends (not family) that do you the most grievous service by reminding you that your (insert adjective here: younger, stronger, healthier, et al) days are like disintegrating specks in the rear window of your mid-life sedan... complete with an antiquated cassette player, plastic dash compass, and Velcro squares from cheap plastic cup-holder disk thingies.

I'm not here to praise the eighties, but to bury them. Now, by my account, my children are growing up without knowing the joys of...

1) AM/FM frequency static between radio stations
2) 3D comic books with a pair of red-green lenses
3) modem sounds while connecting to the Internet
4) converting bytes to kilobytes
5) dusting off encyclopedia sets in the home
6) payphones on every city corner
7) knowing who's on the phone before answering
8) never seeing a TI calculator because they're only in colleges
9) the smell of a pre-Internet library
10) being dropped off at the arcade to meet friends
11) hardcover dictionaries on their own lecterns in pre-Internet libraries
12) realistic looking, pre-AirSoft plastic BB pistols

...and the haphazard list wanes on-and-on, anon.

So, why the lament? Why does so much of my life look like my buddy's lunch coming out of him on the Tilt-A-Whirl every October? Because, as fast as the first third of my life screams by (pun intended, by the way - my friend was fine. I, on the other hand, had a shirt that I could no longer wear in public as a result), I ache to live a bit more deliberately in the latter two-thirds so as not to "blink and miss it". MMLIA

I Live In A Crime Riddled Area

Ever heard the expression, "crime hits home"? I'm living proof of that - as a hardened criminal, bent on chaos and destruction of the quasi-peaceful existence that is Lugoff, South Carolina, I yearn to (albeit occasionally) "stir the proverbial pot".

Not that I act discreetly or (for that matter) alone... oh no, no, no... I have accomplices with which I execute deeds most foul. Some of my latest efforts have included:

petty theft - happens when wife does a quick "snatch-and-grab" of the bedsheets... and I wake up with all the charm (and temperature) of an icicle.

grand larceny - children in college - either through their own actions/inaction, or in concert with the college financial aid office, can "rob you blind".

tresspassing - usually involves one person walking in on another in the Master Bathroom.

assault - you decide to sit down, all the while wondering why the beagle is stalking you... only to discover (yet again) that you've just been "handled" when she jumps up on your lap.

battery - take said beagle and feed it table scraps two hours prior to the "assault" (above) and try to run away... already too late for Lysol.

slander - one spouse says to another, "I'll be ready in five minutes." but says it 20 minutes ago.

libel - some of us post to Facebook that a particular daughter will be home for the weekend... only to discover she made other plans and is NOT coming up.

crazy-making - wife has God-given talent of "organizing me into oblivion"... and then telling me the object I'm "in search of" is right where I left it?!?

bribery - the veiled remark which usually follows when I hear something to the affect of, "Please don't tell Mom."

extortion (not the "Spiritual Gift of...") - typically what follows an attempt at bribery... where the unsuspecting victim hears, "I tell you what - it'd be a real low-down dirty shame if your Mom were to hear about..."

coercion - occurs when "someone" (who shall remain "nameless", but her name sounds a lot like "brandy"), who already has the "health-and-wellness" deck stacked against her, gets caught (while sickly) trying to do housework - the end result being she's threatened with being "hog-tied" and spray-painted various and sundry colors if she doesn't get herself back to bed... not that THIS scene is ever played out in our house - oh, but no (wink, wink, nod, nod).

So, to all of my family members, close friends and aquaintences... were I to need a brief respite from this troubling location, would you be able to offer me a "crime free zone" to retreat to... at YOUR homes? Think on this a bit (LOL). MMLIA