Ever heard the expression, "crime hits home"? I'm living proof of that - as a hardened criminal, bent on chaos and destruction of the quasi-peaceful existence that is Lugoff, South Carolina, I yearn to (albeit occasionally) "stir the proverbial pot".
Not that I act discreetly or (for that matter) alone... oh no, no, no... I have accomplices with which I execute deeds most foul. Some of my latest efforts have included:
petty theft - happens when wife does a quick "snatch-and-grab" of the bedsheets... and I wake up with all the charm (and temperature) of an icicle.
grand larceny - children in college - either through their own actions/inaction, or in concert with the college financial aid office, can "rob you blind".
tresspassing - usually involves one person walking in on another in the Master Bathroom.
assault - you decide to sit down, all the while wondering why the beagle is stalking you... only to discover (yet again) that you've just been "handled" when she jumps up on your lap.
battery - take said beagle and feed it table scraps two hours prior to the "assault" (above) and try to run away... already too late for Lysol.
slander - one spouse says to another, "I'll be ready in five minutes." but says it 20 minutes ago.
libel - some of us post to Facebook that a particular daughter will be home for the weekend... only to discover she made other plans and is NOT coming up.
crazy-making - wife has God-given talent of "organizing me into oblivion"... and then telling me the object I'm "in search of" is right where I left it?!?
bribery - the veiled remark which usually follows when I hear something to the affect of, "Please don't tell Mom."
extortion (not the "Spiritual Gift of...") - typically what follows an attempt at bribery... where the unsuspecting victim hears, "I tell you what - it'd be a real low-down dirty shame if your Mom were to hear about..."
coercion - occurs when "someone" (who shall remain "nameless", but her name sounds a lot like "brandy"), who already has the "health-and-wellness" deck stacked against her, gets caught (while sickly) trying to do housework - the end result being she's threatened with being "hog-tied" and spray-painted various and sundry colors if she doesn't get herself back to bed... not that THIS scene is ever played out in our house - oh, but no (wink, wink, nod, nod).
So, to all of my family members, close friends and aquaintences... were I to need a brief respite from this troubling location, would you be able to offer me a "crime free zone" to retreat to... at YOUR homes? Think on this a bit (LOL). MMLIA
Not that I act discreetly or (for that matter) alone... oh no, no, no... I have accomplices with which I execute deeds most foul. Some of my latest efforts have included:
petty theft - happens when wife does a quick "snatch-and-grab" of the bedsheets... and I wake up with all the charm (and temperature) of an icicle.
grand larceny - children in college - either through their own actions/inaction, or in concert with the college financial aid office, can "rob you blind".
tresspassing - usually involves one person walking in on another in the Master Bathroom.
assault - you decide to sit down, all the while wondering why the beagle is stalking you... only to discover (yet again) that you've just been "handled" when she jumps up on your lap.
battery - take said beagle and feed it table scraps two hours prior to the "assault" (above) and try to run away... already too late for Lysol.
slander - one spouse says to another, "I'll be ready in five minutes." but says it 20 minutes ago.
libel - some of us post to Facebook that a particular daughter will be home for the weekend... only to discover she made other plans and is NOT coming up.
crazy-making - wife has God-given talent of "organizing me into oblivion"... and then telling me the object I'm "in search of" is right where I left it?!?
bribery - the veiled remark which usually follows when I hear something to the affect of, "Please don't tell Mom."
extortion (not the "Spiritual Gift of...") - typically what follows an attempt at bribery... where the unsuspecting victim hears, "I tell you what - it'd be a real low-down dirty shame if your Mom were to hear about..."
coercion - occurs when "someone" (who shall remain "nameless", but her name sounds a lot like "brandy"), who already has the "health-and-wellness" deck stacked against her, gets caught (while sickly) trying to do housework - the end result being she's threatened with being "hog-tied" and spray-painted various and sundry colors if she doesn't get herself back to bed... not that THIS scene is ever played out in our house - oh, but no (wink, wink, nod, nod).
So, to all of my family members, close friends and aquaintences... were I to need a brief respite from this troubling location, would you be able to offer me a "crime free zone" to retreat to... at YOUR homes? Think on this a bit (LOL). MMLIA
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your comment is appreciated. Please allow a day or so before I post it. Thanks.