I Live In A Crime Riddled Area

Ever heard the expression, "crime hits home"? I'm living proof of that - as a hardened criminal, bent on chaos and destruction of the quasi-peaceful existence that is Lugoff, South Carolina, I yearn to (albeit occasionally) "stir the proverbial pot".

Not that I act discreetly or (for that matter) alone... oh no, no, no... I have accomplices with which I execute deeds most foul. Some of my latest efforts have included:

petty theft - happens when wife does a quick "snatch-and-grab" of the bedsheets... and I wake up with all the charm (and temperature) of an icicle.

grand larceny - children in college - either through their own actions/inaction, or in concert with the college financial aid office, can "rob you blind".

tresspassing - usually involves one person walking in on another in the Master Bathroom.

assault - you decide to sit down, all the while wondering why the beagle is stalking you... only to discover (yet again) that you've just been "handled" when she jumps up on your lap.

battery - take said beagle and feed it table scraps two hours prior to the "assault" (above) and try to run away... already too late for Lysol.

slander - one spouse says to another, "I'll be ready in five minutes." but says it 20 minutes ago.

libel - some of us post to Facebook that a particular daughter will be home for the weekend... only to discover she made other plans and is NOT coming up.

crazy-making - wife has God-given talent of "organizing me into oblivion"... and then telling me the object I'm "in search of" is right where I left it?!?

bribery - the veiled remark which usually follows when I hear something to the affect of, "Please don't tell Mom."

extortion (not the "Spiritual Gift of...") - typically what follows an attempt at bribery... where the unsuspecting victim hears, "I tell you what - it'd be a real low-down dirty shame if your Mom were to hear about..."

coercion - occurs when "someone" (who shall remain "nameless", but her name sounds a lot like "brandy"), who already has the "health-and-wellness" deck stacked against her, gets caught (while sickly) trying to do housework - the end result being she's threatened with being "hog-tied" and spray-painted various and sundry colors if she doesn't get herself back to bed... not that THIS scene is ever played out in our house - oh, but no (wink, wink, nod, nod).

So, to all of my family members, close friends and aquaintences... were I to need a brief respite from this troubling location, would you be able to offer me a "crime free zone" to retreat to... at YOUR homes? Think on this a bit (LOL). MMLIA  

Has Helpmate Helping Hindered Healing?

Ah, mah-widge - a  tip of the hat, in homage to the Princess Bride - to be bound for all time (this side of eternity anyway) with your lifelong "helpmate" - 'till death do you part. That is not to say that such unions stay in a state of perpetual bliss, oh no, no, no, true believers... it ain't necessarily so.

The Holy Bible models many marriages that we can relate to (or wish for, considering whatever temporary situations we find ourselves in this day).

What we see in marriages therein (still, the Holy Bible) is in Scripture for our instruction - helping us to understand what GOD requires, and what our (positional) attitude should be in-and-out of times which GOD decides to move in our lives.

No more poignant example exists within this narrow scope of matrimony, than that of "Job".

"There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job..." (Job.1.1a.esv)

Job - whether a literal or figurative character from the time of the Patriarchs - was described in generalizations within the Bible's Old Testament as being a holy man and (unbeknownst to him at the time) an object lesson in hard times and trials.

It's a "given" - in this life, we will have trials...

Whether personally vested in, or merely knowledgable of, traumatic (national) events - we grieve; and, albeit we grieve, we know that healing comes regardless.

In my lifetime, living in the southeastern United States, these events impacted me the most:

* President Reagan's Assasination Attempt - March 30, 1981
* Space Shuttle Challenger - January 28, 1986
* Hurricane Hugo - 1989
* Hurricane Andrew - 1992
* Election of Bill Clinton - 1992
* Re-Election of Bill Clinton - 1996
* NY/PA/DC Terrorist Attacks - September 11, 2001
* Space Shuttle Columbia - February 1, 2003
* President Reagan's Passing - June 5, 2004
* Hurricane Katrina - 2005
* Election of Barak Obama - 2008
* Re-election of Barak Obama - 2012

(Yes, I underline for emphasis, build a bridge and get over it.)

In my sanctified imagination, I can almost see Job's list of impactful trials, I think it'd be a short list... in the number two position would be what GOD permitted Satan to do to him. The top answer would be "that woman [GOD] gave [him]" - the "helpmate" he married.

Grace Under Fire...

When our own trials arise, does our grieving resemble Job's...

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped... [and] Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." (Job.1.20,22.esv) 

...or some type of reaction we'd like to liken to posting an embarassing picture out on Facebook, letting those at church see cracks in your "nearly perfect" veneer of either godliness or peaceful home/family? Ouchie.

SO not Helping...

"Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die."  But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips." (Job.2.9-10.esv)

Job was (fortunately, or unfortunately) married. And, brothers-and-sisters... Job's wife was a real piece of... work.

No where else in the Book of Job does any further account of Job's wife occur. One would ask why... one who hears one asking why would say "Duh-uh".

Keep Your Friends Close, Keep Your Enemies Closer...

Given that the bulk of the Book of Job is a long-drawn out dialogue from three of Job's (not-so-sharp) friends, we'll forego that for now and focus in on Job's wife.

Is it not been mankind's experience that those who know us best, wound us deepest? Consider this... it's one thing for a kid that ain't yours to walk down the hall in church, haul off and sucker punch you and laugh about it; but, entirely a more grievous issue for your own progeny to even toy with your heart and state, "I hate you."

In light of those real-world events, consider Job's wife - she sees all what has been wrought against her husband (Job) and entices him to "curse God and die". Y'know, some (if not all) might have been her kids, too.

The man's already down-and-out and you want to dig your 3400 year old stillettos into your husband? Whoa, Nellie!

A Complete Restoration...

My favorite parts of the Book of Job would have to be -

"And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before." (Job.42.10.esv)

Of special note, Scripture cites that his siblings "showed him sympathy and comforted him for all the evil that the LORD had brought upon him." GOD "permits" evil, Satan needs permission to acost the Saints.

and -

"He had also seven sons and three daughters." (Job.42.13.esv)

Probably by other wives (or wife) - being that Job's (initial) wife is conspicuously absent after chapter 2, these children - being a blessing from GOD - would doubtfully come via the "nagging wife".

"And Job died, an old man, and full of days." (Job.42.17.esv)

Ah ha! I cannot fathom why - as additional rationale as to why Job never saw his "Chapter 2" wife again - GOD would permit Job a long life with anyone that embittered.

Thank GOD I am not Job - and that my wife is not THAT wife - and that GOD is GOD. MMLIA.

I Ain't Singing

I use to get in to SO much trouble in school whenever it afforded me an opportunity to "journal", write poetry, or entertain my classmates - especially in "chorus". Two of my specific "gifts" in the realm of music were...

1) singing falsetto, behind the altos practicing their respective part and flatting random notes so they'd have to do it again-and-again;
2) parodying anything we were singing

So, suffice it to say, Christmastime in public school was fodder for my hyper-creative mind. Here's a sampling of things I've written over the years...

"Up on the Housetop":

"Up on the sidewalk, breaking laws
Drives a gin-soaked Santa Claus
Careening amongst the girls and boys
All four wheels lock, hear the noise

Uh-oh, no - wouldn't go slow
Uh-oh, no - even in snow (oh)
On the scene, the coroner's quick
The cops have arrested Ole Saint Nick"

Another favorite... "The Christmas Song":

"Beer nuts open near a toasty fire
Your dog lickin' 'tween my toes
"Roll Tide" towel being draped o'er a tire
An' jokes 'bout Ding Dongs and Ho-Ho's

Everybody knows a turkey like my Uncle Moe
Helps to forget my Cousin Mike (on a)
Tiny cot, as he sits on Death Row,
Finding it hard to sleep tonight"

And, who could forget... "Frosty the Snowman":

"Freddy, the Mailman was a sad, demented soul
With a fright of dogs and a bad left knee 
He went out in to the snow

Freddy, the Mailman is a scardy cat they say
As he walked his route, all the children shout, 
"Cujo will bite you here one day"

There must've been some tragic signs that Freddy did not see
For when he saw the Saint Bernard
He fell and broke his knee..."

And, finally, an old time favorite... "White Christmas":

"I'm screaming for a debt-less Christmas
Just like the ones Dad didn't owe
Where the toys weren't costly
And charge cards low fees
Had Mom's jewelry out of hock by June"

Merry Christmas, y'all! MMLIA

What's Your Type?

There are only four types of churches - those who purport to be the Body of Christ - whether, or not, that is proven to be true by the litmus of scripture.

Now, we could endlessly debate on what the "church" (actually) is... or we could run with the definition that it is merely those who are True Believers in Christ, regardless of what physical building they make it a point to frequent on this ball of mud we call "Earth".

Given the context, here are the four broadest categories which all local gaggles of the Body of Christ could be collectively grouped into.

1. Those Without GOD's Love or Righteousness
a. Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Laodicea (Rev.3.15)
b. In modern times, their doctrine may be found in: any church over-emphasizing any spiritual gift (or singular member of the Trinity) to the exclusion of any other gift (or God-head member) for their own glory.
c. Typical pastor would resemble: Benny Hinn

2. Those With GOD's Love But Lacked His Righteousness
a. Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Thyatira (Rev.2.20)
b. In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: progressive Catholic churches - as well as most churches choosing to describe itself as "non-evangelical"
c. Typical pastor would resemble: Joel Olsteen

3. Those Without GOD's Love But Uses His Righteousness
a. Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Ephesus (Rev.2.4-5)
b. In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS
c. Typical pastor would resemble: Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. (or the scary pastor off Poltergeist)
4. Those With GOD's Love and Righteousness
a. Per scripture, this church would (most) resemble: Church at Philadelphia (Rev.3.8)
b. In modern times, this doctrine may be found in: very, very few churches - in America, only in small start-up and home churches
c. Typical pastor would resemble: (Honestly, there have been those who've closely modeled Christ - but will not be listed here to preserve their humility)

Now, in the Book of Revelation there are other churches mentioned - some with traits of the four above - which were not cited for the point of this article. Not to say they get a proverbial "pass"; but, for points of illustration, were not as poignant as the others cited.

MMLIA

When I'm Spanked - Yeah, As If

I got to thinking a few minutes ago - the English language is SO convoluted, really.

My panache for "seeing words", as I call it, has created situations where my brain has already fired off a retort via my mouth before my conscience has a moment to gather intel (sighs). It happens rarely... but happens none-the-less.

As I grew up, I was becoming very familiar with the difference between WHEN and IF - and I have my parents and my third grade teachers to thank for that. "WHEN", they said, "you mess up, you're going to get it after lunch."

Note: they never said IF, as it was already a foregone conclusion that you were going to (proverbially) step in/on it.

But, alas - my third grade year 'twas also the year they took spanking (a.k.a. paddling) out of public schools in South Carolina.

I remember the pure shock and morbid fear on the faces of the teachers WHEN it was announced over the loud speaker(s). What would they do now IF we "stepped in it"?

Becoming a soldier, a husband, a father, a Christian... I've had another epiphany: the word AS. It has become my favorite adverb.

AS communicates not only a foregone conclusion (i.e. WHEN), but it strikes me as a more aggressive (read: directive) article of speech. Here... let me enlighten you AS to why...

Parent to Child:

WHEN you grow up... I pray you mature. (Pleasant)
IF you grow up... it'll be a miracle. (Funny)
AS you grow up... keep in mind that I don't have to let you do so. (Hilarious)

Boss to Employee:

WHEN you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... make sure you sign a leave slip. (Blah)
IF you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... you will be let go. (Ouch)
AS you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... start looking for another job. (Jingle-BLAM)

 
Teacher to Student:

WHEN you use your cell phone in my class... it disrupts the lesson plan. (Whatever)
IF you use your cell phone in my class... I will call your parents. (Riiiiiight)
AS you are using your cell phone in my class... I am going to confiscate it and demonstrate how I hammer nails (Pwned)

County Sheriff to Speeding Motorist:
 
WHEN you speed in my jurisdiction... you must read and heed posted speed limits. (Warning)
IF you speed in my jurisdiction... you must read and heed posted speed limits. (Citation)
AS you speed in my jurisdiction... you have the right to remain silent, anything you say... (Ruh-roe, Shaggy)
 

 Deli Owner to Patron:

WHEN you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
step aside and let the next customer order. (Polite)

IF you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
I will start whistling the Jeopardy bonus round tune. (Stern) 

AS you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
NO SOUP FOR YOU! (What we would all want to say)

Company Commander to His Soldiers:

WHEN the enemy attacks... arrange a meeting between them and GOD (like Robert Duvall)
IF the enemy attacks... then they are definitely looking forward to that meeting (like Robert Duvall)
AS the enemy attacks... keep in mind that it's good manners to ensure that they’re early for that meeting (like Robert Duvall)

Leave it to a memory of the GOD-less public education system to stir me up to writing about adverbs. MMLIA

Why I'm NOT Thankful

Thanksgiving - an obscure holiday commemorating struggles that early American Puritans, fleeing religious persecution, endured. Or, if you're an oblivious agnostic or atheist... funny people, in clean black-and-white clothing, smiling and eating potluck luncheons with "Native Americans" (don't get me started on hypenated-Americans - another post for another time).

And although I could pontificate and extol the nobler practice of (actually) being thankful the other 364 days of this particular year, I'll forego it in lieu of communicating something else ENTIRELY, and with a slightly warped sense of relief (humor).

As South Carolina's most prolific gruntled veteran, I want 44% of the state (and 51.5% of the national electorate) to know why I am NOT thankful for certain things:

I am NOT thankful for...

1) wrath - defined as: vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger

Because the last thing we need are individuals behaving badly after general elections - no matter who the electorate inadvertently put back in office - just because the country is on the precipice of a fiscal waterfall.

2) greed - defined as: excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth or possessions.

Because the last thing we need is a government taking more from those who built their own businesses - who employ the majority of the local citizenry - to the point where they cannot afford to provide benefits for those they'll (soon) have to let go, to say nothing of having to shut their doors permanently.

3) sloth - defined as: habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness

Because the last thing we need is a country that discourages success and drives its point home by continuously re-gifting a growing majority of those in lesser circumstances with funds they would have had to earn for themselves.

4) pride - defined as: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Because the last thing we need is a group of individuals in the government with an unwritten mandate to facilitate class warfare for the sake of the haughty egos in a certain marble-lined town up north - completely out-of-touch.

5) lust - defined as: a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually followed by for)

Because the last thing we need are public servants who are more interested in accommodating their own comforts prior to - and often to the exclusion of - that of their electorate (read: constituents)... and then to escalate the threshholds of their comfort at the taxpayers' expense.

6) envy - defined as: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Because the last thing we need to believe - as a people group - is that someone else has something they shouldn't, that they didn't earn (read: build) that - to internalize that to the nth degree, to the point of influencing law (read: legislation) in order to corrupt, steal from and otherwise vandalize our free-market economy, our neighbors, and public places (respectively) - also, see "wrath", above.

7) gluttony - defined as: excessive eating and drinking

Because the last thing we need is to cope with the desperation of our country's economic slip-n-slide by immersing ourselves in alcohol and "comfort food"... effectively pulling out of society and draw up tight within our holes we call "homes", with no deep and abiding fellowship, not even light social interaction with our own partisans.

I'd like to thank dictionary.com for all the definitions - without their support, this topic wouldn't have been made possible... and the smell of the color 9. MMLIA

Committing A Crime of Commission

Are you committed - do any of us do the deep and important things conscientiously (by commission)? I'd like to think I'm that deliberate - but are ANY of us committed consistently?

Consistently committed to one's job, one's spouse, one's children or one's church - regardless of the object of our commitment, I have wondered... hat commits us to do so?

Words, for the most part - and they are mighty weighty things.

Is it any wonder that 21st century America is a VERY litigious society. What you say can get you in trouble! To not know this is like the two 1970's cast-offs coming up from under their rocks in the GEICO commercial, having a major epiphany.

But why? Why do words have weight? Well (that's a deep subject), its because our words define us and divide us... both warm us and warn us... follow us and foil us... and on anon (apologies, Shakespeare).

Take the enlisted man's oath into the United States Army:  

"I, (state your name), do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."

Those words? Words that express our commitment to something larger than ourselves - a commitment.

Or take the words of Matthew, e.g. the Gospel According to Matthew:

And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always to the end of the age." (Mat.28.18-20.esv)

Those words? Words that charge us to do something much more involved than we might initially understand - a commission.

Now this got me thinking (no, not the steaming cup of tea before me), the "Great Commission". You and I both know there's no proverbial "half-steppin'" or "knockin' it in neutral" regarding how we are to approach fulfilling the Lord's mandate.

Being consistently committed - either you're all the way in or outta the pool (bent, but floating, Baby Ruth's aside).

What is being emphasized in the Book of Matthew, Chapter 28, Verses 18-20? Hint: it's not what the words appear to be on the surface - throw it in low and plow deep, friend.

Obedience? Yep, no argument from me there. Action? Absolutely, the Gospel demands proof of our obedience. Faith? Jesus has the cred' for sho' (sorry, was that too ghetto?)

All true - but the chief take-away is DISCIPLESHIP - and all throughout Baptist-dom, brain synapses are exploding, arteries are hardening and little old ladies are shaking their canes and walkers at the sky. A crime has been committed (gasps: hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids)!

"But the Great Commission is about evangelizing the lost!" No, your LIFE should be about evangelizing those who do not yet know Him. Jesus isn't calling us to maintain the status quo through this edict - He's calling us to bump it up a few notches.

We, as committed, True Believers (apologies to Stan "the Man" Lee of Marvel Comics fame) need to consistently re-evaluate the Great Commission each-and-every morning. Why? So glad you asked.

If any have EVER had the privilege of leading someone to the Lord, we know it's AWESOME; but, first, the Spirit has to come upon them - and since we do not know when He (the Holy Spirit) chooses to come upon any/all... we're to be ready in-and-out-of-season to share the risen Christ.

"Okay, you've just explained evangelism - isn't that what we're to do to fulfill the Great Commission?" Someone's not listening.

What happens to the typical new True Believer - should someone lead him, through the Spirit's prompting, to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? Well, sadly, what TYPICALLY happens is whoever leads them to Christ, leaves them alone - either by going back home or going back over to their side of the church.

Discipleship is KEY to sustaining a godly witness, a Christian walk... and Jesus knew this.

He (Jesus) did not say, "Go therefore and lead the lost to a saving knowledge of Me, hoping that they'll be baptized and consistently be discipled by the church down the street..." No, but Christ does require us to "make disciples" - it infers a consistent commitment, a radical one in this day and age.

"You mean I gotta be a pastor to someone - isn't that a pastor's job?!" Ah... no sir, it's actually EVERYONE'S job to teach, mentor and disciple - not just the pastor's. And all of us should be doing so in-and-outside-of church, consistently.

Now, some will have a supernatural dose of these things - the Spiritual Gifts of Teaching, Pastor, Exhortation (not extortion), etc. - but ALL True Believers are expected to use whatever Spiritual Gifts they have been given to this end. Let's keep in mind that the character in which these Spiritual Gifts are to be rendered can be found in the Fruits of the Spirit (see Gal.5.22.esv).

Hey, here's a RADICAL idea - if the Lord has pressed it upon our hearts to lead someone to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ... then the Great Commission is (and must be) the next logical step - only when its being fulfilled, when we adhere to Christ's command and commit to making them DISCIPLES by consistently surrendering ourselves to be poured out into the lives of these new True Believers will GOD be honored through our individual lives. MMLIA