When I'm Spanked - Yeah, As If

I got to thinking a few minutes ago - the English language is SO convoluted, really.

My panache for "seeing words", as I call it, has created situations where my brain has already fired off a retort via my mouth before my conscience has a moment to gather intel (sighs). It happens rarely... but happens none-the-less.

As I grew up, I was becoming very familiar with the difference between WHEN and IF - and I have my parents and my third grade teachers to thank for that. "WHEN", they said, "you mess up, you're going to get it after lunch."

Note: they never said IF, as it was already a foregone conclusion that you were going to (proverbially) step in/on it.

But, alas - my third grade year 'twas also the year they took spanking (a.k.a. paddling) out of public schools in South Carolina.

I remember the pure shock and morbid fear on the faces of the teachers WHEN it was announced over the loud speaker(s). What would they do now IF we "stepped in it"?

Becoming a soldier, a husband, a father, a Christian... I've had another epiphany: the word AS. It has become my favorite adverb.

AS communicates not only a foregone conclusion (i.e. WHEN), but it strikes me as a more aggressive (read: directive) article of speech. Here... let me enlighten you AS to why...

Parent to Child:

WHEN you grow up... I pray you mature. (Pleasant)
IF you grow up... it'll be a miracle. (Funny)
AS you grow up... keep in mind that I don't have to let you do so. (Hilarious)

Boss to Employee:

WHEN you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... make sure you sign a leave slip. (Blah)
IF you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... you will be let go. (Ouch)
AS you are out of the office for a protracted period of time... start looking for another job. (Jingle-BLAM)

 
Teacher to Student:

WHEN you use your cell phone in my class... it disrupts the lesson plan. (Whatever)
IF you use your cell phone in my class... I will call your parents. (Riiiiiight)
AS you are using your cell phone in my class... I am going to confiscate it and demonstrate how I hammer nails (Pwned)

County Sheriff to Speeding Motorist:
 
WHEN you speed in my jurisdiction... you must read and heed posted speed limits. (Warning)
IF you speed in my jurisdiction... you must read and heed posted speed limits. (Citation)
AS you speed in my jurisdiction... you have the right to remain silent, anything you say... (Ruh-roe, Shaggy)
 

 Deli Owner to Patron:

WHEN you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
step aside and let the next customer order. (Polite)

IF you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
I will start whistling the Jeopardy bonus round tune. (Stern) 

AS you come up to the counter, be ready to place your order or...
NO SOUP FOR YOU! (What we would all want to say)

Company Commander to His Soldiers:

WHEN the enemy attacks... arrange a meeting between them and GOD (like Robert Duvall)
IF the enemy attacks... then they are definitely looking forward to that meeting (like Robert Duvall)
AS the enemy attacks... keep in mind that it's good manners to ensure that they’re early for that meeting (like Robert Duvall)

Leave it to a memory of the GOD-less public education system to stir me up to writing about adverbs. MMLIA