Bumper Sticker Theology?

Had to pick up some stuff from the Food Kitty in the sprawling metropolis that is "Lugoff" this afternoon and got an idea... I immediately repented and asked for forgiveness. I experienced a righteous indignation over a bumper sticker of all things. Really.

We've seen them, sported them and even find ourselves laughing and/or grinning at them... bumper stickers. A plethora of categories exist: political, sarcasm (a personal fave), eduction (inclusive of the stomach-churning, "My Kid..." series) and religious. Specifically, I want to broker the idea that what we slap on our can may tell more about us than we'd really care - both in-and-out of the church body.

Yes, I believe bumper stickers can define our theology - genuine or corrupt - and either make-or-break whatever indelible mark we wish to leave on this broken Earth. T-shirts can too, but that's for another day's emotional eruption (LOL)!

More to the point... like the top of my poodle's head.

"After the Rapture You Can Have This Car" - Sometime in the not-to-distant future... "Okay, so I'm minding my own business, driving down the road and I see this crazy Christian's car fly out-of-control, up an embankment at 75 mph - concerned, I screech to a halt, hop out of my own car, go running up to the driver's side door and I happen to notice THIS bumper sticker? Sorry, I don't get it... and, I don't want the car now. I mean, really?" Better: "If This Car Is Seen Driving Itself and Crashes, It's Too Late for You."

"God is My Co-Pilot" - Okay, okay, I know... Brad Stine had A LOT of fun with this one on a video lately. What is it in our arrogance that we think "we got this". Really? Pardon me while I fan the air for laughing so hard. Let's improve on this by saying, "God Is My Navigator - It's Up To Me To Trust the Directions".

"Have a God Day" - Not only could this be considered ubiquitous, all across the spectrum of religions... it doesn't definitively scream "Christian". How about: "May God Show You the Day You Were Suppose to Have" (Hope they don't think you're a fortune-teller, right?)

"Honk If You Love Jesus" - in some South Carolina municipalities, you could actually get a $250 ticket for doing this - just saying. Presenting decent driving behaviors for Christ could (possibly) go further to maintaining (or restoring?) a walk with Him in the first place, hmm? A counter-proposal, if you will: "If You Love Jesus, Drive Like He Would"

"Jesus On Board" - theologically, that's difficult to prove from outside the vehicle, heart and mind of the person driving like they got their license yesterday. "Jesus on board, huh? Then why are you speeding? Why did you just roll right through that stop sign when you were behind that white utility truck?" See what I mean? How about: "Holy Spirit On Board - Better Hope I'm Listening"

"Life Is Short, Pray Hard" - is it just me, or could this possibly be shouting, "Eat, drink, be merry - for tomorrow you will die." People of all faiths "pray" - this is no more a "Christian" bumper sticker than naming your kid "Christian" and expecting he'll turn out okay. An improvement would be: "Life Is Short, Be Careful Who You Pray To"

"Prayer - All the Cool Kids Are Doing It" - Mercy, he's on a prayer rant! Nope, just how the words came down on this digital drawing board. You could insert almost any word in lieu of "Prayer" and sell the sticker to almost anyone... Insubordination, Freebasing, Random Acts of Violence (brainstorming, sorry). How about adding a little mystique to this, eh? How about: "Prayer - Cool or Not, Kids Are Doing It"

"Protected By Angels" - I see a lot of polytheistic, well-intentioned Americans with this one on their tails; but, the error here is that Lucifer was an angel, those thrown out of Heaven with him were angels, and all those who were banished to Earth are known as fallen angels. Better if we said: "Entertaining Angels Unaware" or even "LORD, Send Your Angels Before I Need Them"

"Proud To Be A Christian" - Pride and Arrogance in a Christian? May it never be. It sounds like a throw-back to the days of the Sadducees and Pharisees. Perhaps to say "Unworthy To Be A Christian" or "Humbled To Be Called Christ-Like" would be more God-honoring?

"Relax, God is in Control (Proverbs 3:5)" - Let's not work cause God is gonna take care of us, right? "Come to Christ and life's good - kick back, take your shoes off and knock it neutral." Ah... nah. Let's be blunt, if anything, life following Christ is HARDER than anything else we've EVER done. If we're going to be crystal clear with the commuting public, we'd say, "God Is Still In Control, Buckle Up!" or "Christians Aren't Called To Relax, They're Called To Service"

Well, there's my cheesy chunk of change on the matter, and a lot off my gray matter to boot! So, after giving both proverbial barrels, momentarily glowing and steaming of burnt powder... it's time to wind down with some mental CLP and light maintenance on the carpal tunnel. Till we enjoin brain cells once again, MMLIA

Like To Linger A Little Longer?

All over this broken Earth, people seem (at least, to me) to be seriously preoccupied with entertaining what's left of their brains whilst extending their lives in these mortal dressings. As if some greater joy is realized the longer you toil and tarry along your way to the grave.

Amateurs... apparently they haven't read Ecclesiastes.

Most of these naive naves can be blamed for proverbially shot-gunning the fodder the media chooses to offer us - and that's chiefly (albeit, sadly) as a result of consumers voting with their wallets, casting their ballots for the multitudes of desires... which, at times, decries the practice of sensuality-laden media offerings (it's ironic, go figure) - but, as long as the seller has the wares to peddle in our streets, and the masses continue throwing hard-earned money at them (akin to politicians' solution to under-performing "public education") nothing ever changes.

Insert a vicious finger-pointing circle HERE.

Well, I got to thinking. I know what you're going to say, "He's thinking again - he'll get dizzy, have to sit down and pretty soon there'll be smoke pouring out his ears." Anyways... I got to thinking, despite the huge (sarcasm) draw the media has over the desires of my heart, who really wants to live any longer than they have to on this spitball of mud?

Don't dial 9-1-1 just yet - I'm not depressed or suicidal - I'm deliberate and cynical. Let me explain...

Society romanticizes living a long, full life filled with fluff and stuff. But, trying to live too long of a stint of time can complicate things, even according to the fictitious characters the media moguls offer us. Think back... (queue flashback sequence and Twilight Zone music)

The movie Highlander (1986) offered a story of select individuals living hundreds and thousands of years, just to fight or comply with periodic urges to go somewhere, swing swords and lop off other immortals' heads. And yet, it seemed exciting enough. Yeah, exciting if you define outliving a spouse, burying her, swearing you'll never fall in love again, just to fall in love again and eventually losing the next spouse (after the movie ends, of course). And besides, James Bond with a goatee, really?

Forever Young (1992) begins with a man so depressed over his gal being in a coma that he volunteers to be frozen (unbeknownst to him) for a few decades. He wakes up, starts aging and tries to find her - and when he does, they're both old - ah... happiness (not). Think of all the time he wasted being selfish and trying to sleep away his depression. Goofy movie and definitely a "chick flick" and I don't even like Jamie Lee Curtis that much to watch it twice.

To counter, and in as much as I loathe quoting over-the-top, over-actors (see William Shatner's T.J. Hooker days)... Johnny Rico said it best, when he looked at the Mobile Infantry and shouted "Come on you apes, you wanna live forever?" Starship Troopers (1997) - by the way, I do NOT recommend this movie - made the mistake of watching it. Now, that particular eclectic example being provided, I'm not anxious to storm off and kill outer space insects just yet... give me a couple hundred years, okay?

Well, movie/media references aside... I said all that to simply say this... there's only two worthwhile purposes why we only live a pre-determined amount of time on this big blue marble... to glorify GOD and to edify/encourage/equip each other. But, with THAT being said, and perhaps this segue is worthy of it's own/separate posting, this one question begs to be answered:

Why would those who say they're Christians live in such a way as to clamor for all the bells and whistles on this sphere of fear?

Good question, so... I look at my life and see the low and the high times, the times of plenty, the times of nothing and everything in between... and I ask myself, could I walk away from all of this? Do I have to think about it? The short answer is "yes"!

Why? Because, I am just a "migrant worker" in this "temporal vineyard" happily toiling (well, most of the time) along till my "work VISA" expires, so that I can (finally) go "home". MMLIA

The Gravity of Your Reality

Tell me if this sounds the least bit familiar to you...

Coming home after school, do the chores, square the family pet away, hit the books, prepare for supper, watch television, take your bath (shower) and go to bed.

Yep, that's right - the eighties (1980's).

But, this is what's happening today...

Come home after work, ignore (or delegate) the chores, yell at the family pet, hit the ceiling when it leaves you a present, prepare for your favorite television show by nuking your supper to return back to the television and plop down to spend the balance of the evening (like a potato) until you cannot stay awake anymore - and like a zombie, stutter-step your way back to the crypt (bed)?

Yes, you got it - welcome to the 21st century American household... replete with the draw of (so-called) "Reality TV".

It's amazing how they (programming executives) really came up with a "winner" with this formula, right? I mean... it's like going down the interstate and seeing a wreck... and... you... just... can't... look... away.

It promises the titillation of being a voyeur with only half the calories (tongue-in-cheek). And, after all, it's not like we have anything else better to do, right?

Why do we gravitate towards "Reality TV"?

Are our lives less-than-interesting in comparison? Do we see in the stars and starlets the future we might have had? Does it allow us to displace our dreams and goals just long enough to fantasize about occupying the same space as those we see on the screen? Is it the appearance of affluence, the fame of being known (pseudo-worshiped) by all, or the way the actors/actresses are treated which cajoles us to the eerily lit screen in the den and/or bedroom?

"For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions - is not from the Father but is from the world." (1.Jn.2.16.esv)

Curve ball! Oh my!

Now let's read that paraphrased: "Everything in this world that entertains you - satisfying your sensual hunger, things you wish you had, and celebrating your (or others') possessions - is not from GOD but is from a broken world."

"Ooo, why you hit so hard?!" (Osmosis Jones, 2001)

In all honesty, I won't sit here and say I've never watched any of the "Reality TV" shows; but, in a very short while it gets wearisome to see "staged reality" try to convince you of what's important, what's right (and wrong), what's normal and what the majority of people like (or don't like). Take a look at this...

Show - [ chief avarice ] - what we see in light of Scripture

Keeping Up with the Kardashians - [ greed ] - desires of the flesh
The Glee Project - [ pride ] - desires of the eyes
Hell's Kitchen - [ greed ] - pride in possessions
So You Think You Can Dance - [ pride ] - desires of the eyes
Big Brother - [ greed ] - desires of the flesh
Jersey Shore - [ pride ] - desires of the flesh, desires of the eyes and pride in possessions
The Bachelorette - [ greed ] - desires of the flesh and desires of teh eyes

Seeing a pattern? List some of the shows you've seen and comment below. MMLIA

Can I Have Your Number?

Age is merely a number - it's the mileage that'll do you in.

Ouch. That ranks up there with what my dad told me before I joined the 82nd Airborne: no one ever died jumping out of a perfectly good plane - it's that sudden stop at the bottom that'll get you every time.

Now, I intend to use some terms for one of the two genders which may not sit too well... with English ladies of the 19th century - so, in the immortal and sage words of wisdom from Drill Sergeant Bryant (1991, Fort Monmouth, NJ), "I am an equal opportunity offender - that way I can't play favorites."

More to the point - off the rabbit trail...

So, what is it about guys and gals celebrating birthdays in "middle age" - children, note - I didn't say the "Middle Ages" - that instinctively drives either gender to keep (or not to keep) them in two totally different ways? Hmm.

Take the women, for instance. (No, seriously, don't take all the women - well, okay, maybe take one or two I work with, but that's all.)...

For being approximately a third of the way through my life (according to Genesis 6:3) I've seen the women-folk take birthdays, in stride, one of three ways:

1) 39 and Holding - these are the chicks that don't look in mirrors as the ominous day approaches; who start dressing like they're still younger than they are - with the stereotypical age-appropriate behaviors that are bound to follow; and, men, forget reminding your "sweetie" of what she's doing - uh-uh, big "no-no" - 'cause she'll remind you of everything YOU'VE ever done and it will pale in comparison, my friend, and you will be crying (on the inside, of course).

2) The (cough-cough) Anniversary of My 18th Birthday - now guys, if your babe tells you not to put another candle on the cake... and you DO anyways, because... hey, you're a man, it's what you do... then, "man up" to the cold, lonely couch later on that night; oh, and although she won't divulge her true age to her friends and acquaintances - don't take that as an invitation for YOU to do so - if you're smart, you won't (unless you have a death-wish)!

3) Grace, Grace, God's Grace -  I heard one elderly lady state something along the lines of "...one more birthday is another step closer to Glory." Admirable to have your eternal outlook tempered in that way. I've actually met a few female mid-lifers quite comfortable in their age/stage of life - even with all the aches and pains associated with this fallen world. These are the gals you wanna be around when YOU think you got it bad - if not for the outright humor, for the encouragement it provides. "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life." (Pro.16.31.esv) 

Now, with that being shared and said about the fairer sex - it's not to say that us men deal with it any better - we just do so "differently". So have at, ladies... after all, we got your number. MMLIA

Hey, I'm Staring at You!

"Look both ways before crossing the street!" our mothers would lament - knowing that we probably would, unless the psychotic inmate the local police just announced over the radio was careening down - of all streets in the city - YOURS.

Mothers meant well, er... still mean well, actually. But looking at this, I wonder...

Do we prepare for the most remote possibility or do we carry-on with our lives like nothing will ever happen to us?

I guess there's a fine line between being self-absorbed and narcissistic. Actually, no - there's no line... there's just me, and I'm so beautiful, I'm so in love with myself, I... wanna throw up now.

Some of my friends pick on me that I must have a list of pet peeves a mile long and three fathoms high (Google it, I'm not explaining that.).

If (and may I preface it, again, with "if") I had such a list... it would definitely include people so self-absorbed, either behind the wheel of an automobile or merely as a pedestrian, that they refuse to make eye contact with those who could do them serious harm.

And, I'm not talking city streets here, people. Oh no, no, no... the majority of these offenders do so in the private property of parking lots. Yes sir, I said it - parking lots!

Most parking lots don't have painted lanes down the aisles. Most parking lots don't have stop signs, speed bumps, stop lines or shoulders. Most parking lots are not even adequately lit (at night, although I've seen some with lights still on at 10:00 a.m. - somebody got fired, I'm sure).

But the most important thing these parking lots DON'T have is... a law enforcement agency's jurisdiction as it pertains to "rules of the road". You know, those nasty little ordinances and statutes that enable "Andy" and "Barney" to write you a ticket?

Yep, that's the keystone of it all. Average ordinary law-abiding citizens who'd ordinarily follow (said) rules of the road turn into "Mister" and "Misses Daydreamer" on a grocery store's asphalt lawn.

You'd figure the drivers in South Carolina would like to pay less for car insurance than most of us do - go figure. Any-who, based on my observations, here are the most dangerous habits these "reality-challenged" individuals partake in:

1) Not making eye contact - does it cause cancer? do you have laser beams that'll cut someone down after two seconds?

2) Head looking one way, car (or feet) going another - multi-taskers, pay special heed here - just because you CAN do two or more things at one time doesn't mean you can do them WELL

3) Talking to others not with you (or in your car) - e.g. on the cell phone - the number one thing my lawyer's gonna subpoena will be your cell phone records, and yes, there are three lawyers in my family... pick one.

4) Not watching their children (walking), or watching their children (while driving) - and this may be a separate rant, er... blog for another time, but, if you squirted the squirts out, they're yours, you watch 'em when you're walking and strap 'em down with duct tape while you're driving. Do I need to call DSS?

Anyway, there's both barrels... time to buy more targets and reload.