Do You Want to Feel Old?

Remember when you were wanting to be older? Now that "older" is here, it's lost some of the charm, eh? When it comes to aging, everything is relative - but relatives aren't everything.

Oh, but no.

Sometimes it's your friends (not family) that do you the most grievous service by reminding you that your (insert adjective here: younger, stronger, healthier, et al) days are like disintegrating specks in the rear window of your mid-life sedan... complete with an antiquated cassette player, plastic dash compass, and Velcro squares from cheap plastic cup-holder disk thingies.

I'm not here to praise the eighties, but to bury them. Now, by my account, my children are growing up without knowing the joys of...

1) AM/FM frequency static between radio stations
2) 3D comic books with a pair of red-green lenses
3) modem sounds while connecting to the Internet
4) converting bytes to kilobytes
5) dusting off encyclopedia sets in the home
6) payphones on every city corner
7) knowing who's on the phone before answering
8) never seeing a TI calculator because they're only in colleges
9) the smell of a pre-Internet library
10) being dropped off at the arcade to meet friends
11) hardcover dictionaries on their own lecterns in pre-Internet libraries
12) realistic looking, pre-AirSoft plastic BB pistols

...and the haphazard list wanes on-and-on, anon.

So, why the lament? Why does so much of my life look like my buddy's lunch coming out of him on the Tilt-A-Whirl every October? Because, as fast as the first third of my life screams by (pun intended, by the way - my friend was fine. I, on the other hand, had a shirt that I could no longer wear in public as a result), I ache to live a bit more deliberately in the latter two-thirds so as not to "blink and miss it". MMLIA

I Live In A Crime Riddled Area

Ever heard the expression, "crime hits home"? I'm living proof of that - as a hardened criminal, bent on chaos and destruction of the quasi-peaceful existence that is Lugoff, South Carolina, I yearn to (albeit occasionally) "stir the proverbial pot".

Not that I act discreetly or (for that matter) alone... oh no, no, no... I have accomplices with which I execute deeds most foul. Some of my latest efforts have included:

petty theft - happens when wife does a quick "snatch-and-grab" of the bedsheets... and I wake up with all the charm (and temperature) of an icicle.

grand larceny - children in college - either through their own actions/inaction, or in concert with the college financial aid office, can "rob you blind".

tresspassing - usually involves one person walking in on another in the Master Bathroom.

assault - you decide to sit down, all the while wondering why the beagle is stalking you... only to discover (yet again) that you've just been "handled" when she jumps up on your lap.

battery - take said beagle and feed it table scraps two hours prior to the "assault" (above) and try to run away... already too late for Lysol.

slander - one spouse says to another, "I'll be ready in five minutes." but says it 20 minutes ago.

libel - some of us post to Facebook that a particular daughter will be home for the weekend... only to discover she made other plans and is NOT coming up.

crazy-making - wife has God-given talent of "organizing me into oblivion"... and then telling me the object I'm "in search of" is right where I left it?!?

bribery - the veiled remark which usually follows when I hear something to the affect of, "Please don't tell Mom."

extortion (not the "Spiritual Gift of...") - typically what follows an attempt at bribery... where the unsuspecting victim hears, "I tell you what - it'd be a real low-down dirty shame if your Mom were to hear about..."

coercion - occurs when "someone" (who shall remain "nameless", but her name sounds a lot like "brandy"), who already has the "health-and-wellness" deck stacked against her, gets caught (while sickly) trying to do housework - the end result being she's threatened with being "hog-tied" and spray-painted various and sundry colors if she doesn't get herself back to bed... not that THIS scene is ever played out in our house - oh, but no (wink, wink, nod, nod).

So, to all of my family members, close friends and aquaintences... were I to need a brief respite from this troubling location, would you be able to offer me a "crime free zone" to retreat to... at YOUR homes? Think on this a bit (LOL). MMLIA