Grown Apart, Thrust Back Together

Crisis brings out the extremes in people - both good and bad. I wrestled with even writing this post - but did so, not fully aware of what the fallout may be.

In as much as I'd like to think what a upcoming situation will look like (in my sanctified imagination), reality shows up like the you-know-what-it-is and pops me in the back of the head with reckless abandon. Once my proverbial vision clears, I have to start the art of scanning the room for adversaries and discounting the handicaps I find within the room through the filters I apply.

Old wounds and new egos...

My early years, specifically those before Christ, were not the best years of my life (regrettably). Not only did I "go through the motions" with liturgical Christianity, I had a skewed version of what "normal" was - and when you add siblings to the mix, well... there was ample opportunity to shift blame, manipulate and hurt others for the protection of yourself, to vent one's frustrations or to get over on one's parents easy.

Fast forward thirty plus years and we all become products of our environments (both past and present). What we experienced then, shapes us today. We can take our wounds, bandage them and learn or continue licking the wound(s), keeping it fresh and moist to have it temper our lives... usually not for the better. These experiences usually affect how we deal with those in-and-outside-of the family. It's been my sad lot to see this play out in the lives of those I love.

I didn't walk in the hospital today with a proverbial ax to grind; but, I did get a sense that there was some downed limbs in the yard of someone else that I was having to step over to get to the other side.

Empathy versus sympathy...

I understand no one truly knows how anyone else around us feels (exactly). Far be it from me to "know" what my mother feels seeing her husband unconscious on a hospital gurney; or, how any other family member wishing to portray (on the outside) to the rest of us how they "got it all together" is really spazzing on the inside. Granted, I'm no mind-reader - but that goes both ways.

I empathize because I understand the feelings of helplessness, futility and isolation as I watch the strongest man in my life quelled by a simple thing like anesthesia, seeing him unconscious and wondering, "Is he going to be alright?" It's very much (genuinely) internalized. I will graciously give a "pass" to those who talked back to me today, talked above me and even talked as if I was not in the same room because emotions were running "high" today.

Sympathy is the man looking down into the hole in which the other man fell and shakes his head as he hurries by. Empathy is the one who crawls down there with him, rope in hand, ready to assist in a humble manner.

From the outside looking in...

Part of a mother's nature is to "protect her young" - I've come to realize that mantra never ages, even though her children do. There were times today when I was convinced that my mom wanted to bear the brunt of the shock of the events first, before allowing her son to succumb to the ill-affects of any news. Admirable, if I was 12 and grew up in a perfect home.

Arriving when we did to the hospital, and playing "catch-up" (in a sense) with some small bits of information that I didn't already have, combined with the realization that (as events unfolded) I was back on the elementary school playground... and the game was "keep away"... and I was the one in the middle. It was as if "spectator" was an honorific title bestowed upon me way before I arrived... or they thought I was still 12.

Perhaps the reason many of us feel like we're on the outside looking in is due to someone shutting the front door as we're wiping our feet to come inside?

One family, many roles...

Being raised in a matriarchal household afforded me much to resent and much to be thankful for - let me explain this duality.

First, the resentment - I saw my mother as the only one able to wield power - both to punish and reward... I did not view her as the "nurturer". Because of her own upbringing, I lived out the legacy which had been handed down to her, by many generations of godless patriarchs. And, in that framework, I became aware later (as a young adult) that her parenting style did not afford "males" a favorable position within our home.

Secondly, the thankfulness part - it afforded me "starting point" to go off of. When I got married and had my own children, I had already learned what not to do; so, my wife and I began with the balances of our own experiences and resolved to:

1. love both children unconditionally, even when anger could dictate otherwise
2. treat both children as equals to each other, gender aside
3. never punish in anger
4. allow punishment to fit the crime, per se
5. never put off punishment with "wait till we get home" or "wait till your father gets home"
6. allow our children to suffer "safe" effects of "less than stellar" decision-making
7. live out our lives - warts and all - the same way at home, as in church

Now, that doesn't mean we raised "perfect" children; but, I'm hoping that they have had a better childhood than I and my brother and even my sister. Now, to her credit, I have long-since reconciled with my mom - and her role today is not so much so that of matriarch, but of an adviser, a sage and a mother.

Discounted experiences don't sell well here...

Education and wisdom are entirely two separate things - I believe I covered this on my "Well Isn't That Special" post back in May 2012.

Perhaps in the larger clinical discussions I was not solicited for input - whereas others were and/or freely offered it - because (either) of the lack of alphabet soup behind my name or a serious effort not to get to know me. After all, what do I know, right?

I mean, just because you work at a major health insurer for eight years, supervise medical personnel, deal with PHI, review medical records, discuss behavioral health diagnoses with doctors at work, heed the advice of your pharmacist-father for the better part of your adult life, etc. etc... doesn't mean jack, right? Whoopsie, I sorta discounted the second excuse, didn't I?

GOD is God, denominations be danged...

Praying - oh my. Today was downright hilarious in this sense. No, I'm not being disrespectful here; but, the stylized habits some of us subscribe to if we do pray - that's awkwardness to the nth degree, and possibly worth the price of admission.

We prayed twice today (corporately) for my dad. Most held hands... a few did not. In fact, when I attempted to "continue the circle" with one to my left, they acted as if I was a zombie and jerked suddenly backwards. However, in their defense, they were liturgical in their church choice, somewhat liberal in holding to social norms, thought a little too highly of themselves than they should and (albeit unverifiable) probably not saved. Hope they never want to get prayed for in the future if they find themselves in a room full of evangelicals who are true believers. LOL

Lessons learned...

Although we truly see the measure of folks' character when they're stressed-and-pressed, we should see some evidence of Jesus there too, if we proclaim Christ. I pray that they did in me - even if a small bit - as I am not the man I once was, praise be to GOD. MMLIA

Restoring the Shape of the Dropped Ball

Dorothy 1993

After fetching my eldest from the clutches of Mississippi - just kidding - and returning her safely to the nest today... despite the state of Alabama's exceedingly slow timetable for interstate "improvements", Georgia's rains and South Carolina's rush hour(s)... I gathered my thoughts across the last 30 days.

There's been a lot transpiring in my home, at work, in our church and even within the respective camps which have had the benefit of my daughters' cumulative experiences to employ for youth ministry. And, considering the tempo of activities and efforts here-and-there, I have taken a few moments to ask myself,

"What more could I have done that might've effected a better outcome?"

Now, I'll be the FIRST person to tell you that I haven't "arrived" (my wife, will be a very close "second"... but, sometimes she's "first" - especially when I ain't looking). I tend to play the role of "Monday morning armchair quarterback" and over-analyze things to death. I believe - to some degree - this is hard-wired into most men; and, although not a "geek" per se, I do find myself grouped in that gaggle.

When I was much, much younger (and lighter), I was real quick to attack the offender (or get mad at myself when it was me) as anyone who dropped the proverbial "ball" made life tough for the entire group (i.e. my teammates in football, my cohorts in combat arms, other analysts at my insurance job, etc.). Getting "bent outta shape" was just something I did... too well.

So, in the interim... life lessons come-and-go, people die, tears are shed, companies lose money, people are offended, yada, yada, yada.

So, over time, I've found it a tad more fruitful to shift the focus from "blame" to "recovery". Then, given that I control no one's thoughts, motivations and actions other than my own, I asked myself two questions, one...

"What do I need to do?"

Well, whether the Holy Scripture is your guide, or not, none can argue with the ethic it presents:

"[Employees] are to be submissive to their own [employers] in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not pilfering, but showing all good faith, so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior." (Tts.2.9-10.esv)

Okay, simple enough (BTW: pilfering is "stealing") And, secondly...

"What do I do when others don't, can't or won't?"  

Yeah, here's the "rub"... before answering THAT one, I have to "assume" (yeah, I know what happens when we "assume"...) that either I'm going to hold fast to one set of tenets to guide every facet of my life (e.g. the Holy Scriptures) or I employ "situational ethics" - that is to "tailor" the situation according to the outcome I desire. By the way, I choose the former, not the latter.

Therefore, I have (lately) been taking the "restoring and rehabilitation" approach to dealing with organizational deficiencies. For example, I ask myself (only because these have ACTUALLY happened)..

When IT doesn't communicate and deliver updates to requested reports requested, I...

When HR doesn't get a personnel action loaded into the applicable payroll cycle, I...

When someone outside your "food chain" doesn't provide me a piece of data that senior leadership needed, I...

When someone tells you to pick them up at a certain time and you wind up waiting, I...

When a friend says they'll do something for me and forgets, I...

In my reactions, do I consider other Scripture?

"Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you." (2Cr.2.11.esv)

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Eph.4.29.esv)

That is not to say that it must be done in a hyper-sensitive nature, skirting around the issue entirely; but, on the opposite end of the spectrum, it shouldn't be done in a cold, calculated unloving manner either... even if we're "right". Our LORD Jesus was a very balanced person - being both Man and GOD - and gave us examples of how to deal with "difficult situations" and/or "difficult people".

So, what happens AFTERWARDS? Do we give the ball-carrier another opportunity to run it into the "end zone"? Do we scoop up the mistake, own it, attempting to do it ourselves - becoming either "savior" or "martyr" in the process?

Wish there was an easy answer. But, I offer this for the moment...

Just because something "falls through the cracks" doesn't mean we have the obligation to repair/remedy it. It might not have needed to be undertaken in the first place; or, simply, some things have to fall apart before the lesson can be learned in order for it to be built stronger. MMLIA

Southern Convention - Come to Order

By convention, things in the South are slow to change. Amen and amen.

However, that's a blade that cuts both ways... and I know ALL about cutting oneself (rabbit trail: just because it says "Safety Razor" doesn't mean it is - as the beagle bays at the child gate, quite certain that I have inflicted a series of mortal wounds to my face).

On one hand, the pace at which things change in the South usually means that the sense and sensibility of day-to-day convention is not lost on those dealing with us Southerners. Making a deal where both parties could - for all intents and purposes - ratify with a handshake, nowadays, takes a lawyer (another blog, for sure - sorry Johnny - love you, Cus).

And then, on the other hand, it reinforces several stereotypes about "Southerners" altogether: beat-up trucks, hound dogs, guns, wearing ball caps, using antiquated terms (i.e. honey, dear, sweetie, sugar, ma'am, sir, etc.) and taking worship to a whole new level (e.g. by putting on our best and arriving early, ready to cheer... never mind, that's another blog). Yes, I meant to be facetious - that and sarcasm are the two distinct dialects of the English language in our culture.

Now, I could tout ALL the wondrous reasons why being, living and breathing in the South (humidity aside, cough... cough) are leaps and bounds better than life in a gob of other places where one may hang one's proverbial hat - but, I won't. Instead, fix your gaze on the following - my top three pet peeves regarding "Southern Convention":


"I'll be there if I can."

Okay, if I had a dollar for every time I heard THAT one tossed out - like a "stupid grenade" - I'd be able to buy the buses that K-12 education needs in this state (Education Lottery blog on the horizon folks, stay tuned). Part of me wants to say, "If you can WHAT - tell time, have nothing else more interesting to do, have a normal bowel movement?" What happened to folks who had the presence of mind to write down events on a paper calendar? Who moved other "wishful" things on/off the calendar date(s) to accommodate things that REALLY matter? Some things to consider the next time you feel compelled to offer up that patent answer...

"But above all, my Brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth... but let your 'yes' be yes and your 'no' be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation." (Jas.5.12.esv)

"Do or do not. There is no try." (Yoda, Star Wars Episode 5, 1980)

 
"Oh, just bless their heart."

Really? That "code" has been broken for a while now and yet I STILL hear it batted around - and most using this colloquialism aren't Christians taking prayer requests, my Brothers and Sisters. Knowhutahmean, Vern? Let's all say what this really means, all together know... "The speaker thinks this person is an idiot." Daddy always told me that you shouldn't be surprised what you catch, given the bait you use. In this regard, it baits others to enjoin in gossip. Yep, I said it... just laid it flat-on-out-there: GOSSIP. Good rule-of-thumb: if they're telling you about someone who's not in the room... what happens when you leave the room? Hmm. How about concentrating to be a bit more "positive and family-friendly"...

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Heb.10.24-25.esv)

"People always mean well. They cluck their thick tongues, and shake their heads and suggest, oh, so very delicately!" (Norman Bates, Psycho, 1960)


"You know how they are - they didn't mean anything by it."

That's a load... of bricks. A load of bricks dropped from the second story window on the unsuspecting victim's head, figuratively of course. This heinous example of rudeness is either demonstrated by or towards a Southerner. The take away - for my friends who are "mathematically challenged", paints a picture (you're welcome, Sarrah) where the recipient (victim) should be the one apologizing to the brick-layer. So, which is it - "high road" or "low road"?

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. " (Eph.4.29.esv)

Sarah: You're the Goblin King! I want my brother back, please, if it's all the same.
Jareth: What's said is said.
Sarah: But, I didn't mean it.
Jareth: Oh, you didn't?  (Labyrinth, 1986)


We have First Amendment rights granted by the Constitutional Convention - that's a given if you're a citizen of these "United States" - so there's really no changing what people can or cannot say (for the most part anyways...  I acknowledge that shouting "Hi, Jack!" in the airport terminal would not be the most clever use of my afternoon in a security office, but I digress).

Magic wands and wispy potions of coercion aside - if I could have the LORD grant one last request right up before this shell is vacated, it be that everyone had to be honest, open and transparent for one month. Can you imagine what would happen in the General Assembly and up yonder in Washington D.C. (a.k.a. "Castle Conundrum" or "the Puzzle Palace")?

I now declare this convention is adjourned. MMLIA